MUSIC OF THE SH*TE : Joel Schumacher’s The Phantom of the Opera

Published on: January 31st, 2005

. . . . .  note to reader. apologies that this review is all in bold. i've tried fixing
                     the damn thing but to no avail.

The Phantom of the Opera [2/10] : USA (US-UK) 2004 : Joel SCHUMACHER : 143 mins : aka Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera

Andrew Lloyd Webber's stage musical version of The Phantom of the Opera was such an instant runaway hit that a film adaptation was rapidly mooted. Back then, in the late 80s, there seemed no reason why leads Sara Brightman (Mrs Lloyd Webber) and Michael Crawford shouldn't recreate their theatrical roles of opera starlet Christine Daae and her shadowy, homicidal mentor, The Phantom. But it wasn't long before the wheels started flying off the wagon: Brightman split from Lloyd Webber, and the project went into a limbo from which it only resurfaced in the mid-90s.

By which stage Crawford – who'd never exactly made a huge impact on the big screen (cf 1981's Condorman) – was reckoned insufficiently famous and too old for the part. Instead, producers favoured fast-rising star Antonio Banderas – a choice which sparked howls of outrage from Phantom traditionalists, who promptly set up a worldwide petition, campaign and website dedicated to Crawford's cause that developed into something of a minor pop-cultural phenomenon in its own right.

As we now know, the campaign wasn't successful: by the time the success of Moulin Rouge and Chicago gave Phantom its delayed green light, Banderas had moved on and beefy Scots actor Gerard Butler, tipped in certain quarters as a possible future James Bond, was given the role – reportedly after Schumacher was (bafflingly) taken by his forgettable, low-charisma turn as Dracula 2000. But the website still exists – and is now gloatingly (and entertainingly) stuffed with a selection of the lousy reviews which the film rapidly accrued. The site also contains a fateful admission from Butler himself: "When I phoned to tell my mum I was auditioning, she said:'But Gerard, can you sing?'"

As it turns out, Mrs Butler's fears were well-founded. On this evidence, her lad indeed cannot sing to save his life – and the picture isn't exactly a showcase for his acting talents, either. He's actually much better in the upcoming low-budget (and, unfortunately, lousy) British comedy Dear Frankie. Butler's 007 odds must have ballooned in recent weeks, the Phantom debacle coming in the wake of his lead-male role in underperforming Lara Croft sequel The Cradle of Life. His Phantom co-star Emmy Rossum may yet emerge from this train-wreck with something approaching a viable career, however – eyecatching in her brief turn in last year's Mystic River, she's sweetly appealing as the virginal Christine, and she gets to show off some impressive vocal talents (unsurprising given that she is, in direct contrast to Butler, a trained opera-singer.)

So what went wrong? The Phantom of the Opera is based on a 19th century novel by Gaston Leroux that's has been filmed several times before – pick of the bunch being the 1925 silent version starring a never-better Lon Chaney, with the rather more fast-and-loose 1974 Phantom of the Paradise not far behind. The story is relatively simple, and seemingly difficult to screw up – which is exactly what the team behind this new version manage to achieve. Schumacher has never been any great shakes as a director, of course, but given a decent script to work with (Phone Booth, The Lost Boys), he's capable of delivering watchable entertainment.

'A decent script' is precisely what he doesn't get here – though apportioning blame isn't a straightforward matter. While the 'screenplay' is credited to Schumacher and Lloyd Webber, well over half of the 'dialogue' is sung – and there are three lyricists credited, namely Charles Hart, Richard Stilgoe and David Zippel. This team must therefore take collective responsibility for the nonsensical mess that unfolds on the screen – and does so with such tedious slowness over the course of two hours plus. The story becomes cumbersome and difficult to follow, with basic issues of character motivation left frustratingly undeveloped. Worst of all, the lyrics/dialogue are of a relentlessly crushing banality – they seem like a very rapidly dashed-off first draft, the proper words to be filled in at some future point.

Phantom puffs itself up like some kind of epic, tragic romance – this is something that Schumacher, Lloyd Webber and their collaborators are blatantly unqualified to provide. Schumacher's reverence for his source material, and his desperation to deliver a gaudily energetic spectacle along the lines of Moulin Rouge, are all too obvious. But while the costumes and sets generally hit the mark, what he ends up with is a turgid snoozer which only very rarely threatens to burst into anything approaching vivid life: an early trick-shot involving an ancient chandelier… Minnie Driver's screamingly ham-issima pantomime turn as a spoiled Italian diva… and a close-up of an ancient toy monkey's wizened face that somehow has more pathos and poignancy than the rest of the decadent shenanigans put together.

Neil Young

26th December, 2004
[seen 23rd December : UGC Boldon : public show]