Scene: Planet Zannaxxar, in the wilderness at night. There is a rough hessian tent dimly lit by a camp fire.

Voarzax: My son, you have betrayed me. Now you must surely pay the consequences.
Trannazar: No, Father, I did nothing - it was Sharranex - she tricked you.
Voarzax: ROOAAARRRGH!
Trannazar: Ouch! Oh no, Father, you cleaved my head in two with an axe!
Voarzax: Such is the penalty for your treachery and insolence!
Tranazzar: Yeah but that blooming hurt.

Meanwhile, on planet Earth - in an office.

Tony: Get me the latest sales figures please Reg.
Reg: OK they're just in the filing cabinet. Just be a minute...
Tony: Oh, and Reg?
Reg: Yeah?
Tony: Tell Susan to put the kettle on and make a pot of tea while you're in there.
Reg: Right-o.

A minute later...

Reg: There you go.
Tony: But Reg - these are last week's figures.
Reg: Oh sorry. I'll go and change them AAAARRGH! Oh no Tony, you've cleaved my head in with an axe!
Tony: I will not tolerate incompetence.
Susan: Tea's ready!
Tony: Oh thanks Susan.
Tony: Hang on, there's no sugar in this...
Susan: AAAARRRGH! Oh no Tony, you've cleaved my head in two with an axe!
Reg: The Union will hear of this!
Susan: Too flaming right they will - he's ruined my hair. I didn't get a degree in sociology to be treated like this!
Enter Mike
Mike: Oh no Tony, not again AAAARRGH! Oh no Tony you've cleaved my head in two with an axe!

Who said market research isn't as exciting as tribal warfare?

Meanwhile, back on Zannaxxar.

Voarzax: You have brought shame upon the family. AAARRGH! Oh no Tony, you seem to have cleaved my head in two with an axe!
Trannazar: Serves you right you miserable old bugger.
Voarzax: Trannazar - that's no way to speak to your father.
Tony: AAAARGH! Voarzax you cleaved my head also!
Voarzax: That's for your cheek as well.
Witch-doctor: Oh no! Mass head cleavage! I'll be working overtime tonight I can tell.
Trannazar: I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub.
Voarzax: Oh no you're not - hey, come back here!

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth...

Scene: In a dirty smelly city centre pub.

Mike: And you know what he did? He only cleaved me flamin' head in two with an axe!
Trannazar: Tell me about it.
Mike: And what does the Union do about it? Nothing!
Trannazar: Yeah, they're a waste of space.
Mike: Your Union's better than mine.
Trannazar: Hang on a minute, this isn't the right change...
Barman: AAAARRGH! Cor blimey gavna look what you've been an' done you've only cleaved me bleedin' head in with an axe!
Mike: Steady on mate.
Trannazar: He deserved it he did, short-changing the mighty Trannazar of the planet Zannaxxar.
Barman: Oi get aht o' my pub, my old man's a dustman you know. I'll set me cockney sparra onto ya.
Trannazar: Grrr.
Mike: Come on leave it.
Bouncer: Oi you!
Trannazar: Don't touch me or I'll cleave your head in two with an axe.
Bouncer: Oi you clocked me on the bonce you cheeky beggar.
Trannazar: Err... [repeatedly whacks bouncer on the head with his axe to little obvious effect]
Bouncer: Oi stop it it's not nice.
Trannazar: I'll give you nice [whack, whack, whack]
Bouncer: I'll have a lump there in the morning cos of you.

Back on Zannaxxar.

Sharranex: Hey Voarzax, have you seen Trannazar?
Voarzax: Yes I cleaved his head in two with an axe.
Sharranex: Hahaha haha ha ha!
Voarzax: what are you laughing at?
Sharranex: Hehe I fooled you! Trannazar didn't really betray you and bring shame upon the family!
Voarzax: Why you!
Sharranex: AAARGH! Oh no Voarzax, you cleaved my head in two with an axe!
Voarzax: You have dishonoured me.
Sharranex: Oh honour, honour, honour, it's all you men ever think about isn't it? Why don't you just stop and think about what I feel for a change?
Voarzax: Cos I'm a barbarian.
Sharranex: Oh yeah.

Trannazar goes to see the High Priest.

High priest: Trannazar my son, for what have you come to seek the advice of the High Priest?
Trannazar: I visited my Father earlier today and he accused me of treachery and insolence - and it wasn't true.
High priest: Then what did he do?
Tranazzar: He cleaved my head in two with an axe. Why did he do this?
High priest: Ah you are young and not fully versed in the ways of the barbarian. As it says in the book of Nanmar: "And when someone comes to thou saying 'thy son hath betrayed you' and thou knowest not why, thou shalt wait until the night when thy son cometh to visit, and thou shall chastise him thusly: 'Son, thou hast betrayed me and must pay the consequences' and thou shalt cleave his head in two with an axe".
Trannazar: Oh. That sucks.
High priest: Do not utter such blasphemies!
Trannazar: AAARRRGH! Oh no the High Priest, you cleaved my head in two with an axe!
High Priest: As it is written in the book of Nanmar: "If a young student utters a blasphemy, the High Priest shalt cleave his head in two with an axe".
Trannazar: You are wise and righteous oh High Priest. I ask humbly for forgiveness of my ignorance.
High Priest: AAAAARRGH! Oh no Trannazar, you cleaved my head in two with an axe!
Trannazar: Err, no I didn't...
High Priest: Yes you did!
Trannazar: I didn't.
High Priest: No, but I'm going to tell everyone else you did, then you'll really be in the shit.
Trannazar: Right... I may as well then.
High Priest: No... AAAARRGH! Oh no Trannazar, this time you really did cleave my head in two with an axe!
Trannazar: Ha ha got you.

Back at Voarzax's tent

Sharranex: Hey Trannazar!
Trannazar: You cheeky trickster! I got my head cleaved in two with an axe because of you.
Sharranex: Ha yeah but it dishonoured your grumpy old father.
Trannazar: You brought shame and dishonour upon the whole family!
Sharranex: AAAARRGH! Oh no Trannazar, you cleaved my head in two with an axe! You're not supposed to do that to girls.
Trannazar: I'm a barbarian and I don't take no shit from no-one.
Voarzax: Hey Tony!
Tony: I brought the latest barbarism figures you asked for.
Voarzax: Oh wow AAAARRGH! Oh no Tony, you cleaved my head in two with an axe!
Tony: Hehe! No, it was a letter-opener!
Trannazar: Oh Tony, you and your office equipment!
All: Ho ho ho ho ho!

Cue music, cue credits.

THE END - so far...