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	New Health Warnings Unveiled (11 October 2003)
	by Dr Tricky Health officials in Dublin have recently introduced a new set of health warnings. The new warnings are hoped to be more effective in discouraging the habit by being more in tune with the thoughts and feelings in the hearts and souls of the general population. The old warnings were condemned as "sterile" and "meaningless" by a leading poet. "These new warnings really get to me, you know, right there" said leading poet Dougal O'MacNamally Cormac McMurphy, indicating his chest with the flat of his hand as a tear welled up in his eye. "Afterall, nobody wants to make Baby Jesus cry, because it does you know." British health authorities are now considering introducing a similar scheme in the North East of England, based on the success of the Dublin trial. "Oh yes, we'll try anything" said an official, "as long as someone else has already tried it first." Previous schemes in the UK have been hampered by the strict government regulations about thinking for yourself, and because nobody could find the appropriate forms to fill in.